fear & my evolving worldview

The longest standing theme in my life is my anxiety. In kindergarten I didn't want to be an angel in the Christmas play until my mother convinced me that my friends were going to be angels too. In third grade I worried about picking sides in the S vs N 'gang leader' fight and worryied about what would become of me if they made up and became friends again. Would the eventual winning gang leader hold it against me once the ranks had been reordered ? In sixth grade the boy assigned to sit next to me teased me mercilessly about my appearance - he grew up to become a doctor ! In ninth grade I found out I was getting a surprise birthday party and instead of being excited & happy, I spent hours pacing in my grandmother's bedroom, worrying about my outfit until it was time for me to 'unknowingly' join the party. In 10th grade I spent most of a class trip to Goa stressing about the roommates I was assigned and having FOMO about all the fun other roommates were having in their rooms. In 12th grade I threw a huge tantrum, to the only real friend I had, about how terrible I looked in our group graduation picture - which I was looking at recently - and it really was not that bad. In college I stressed about grades, friends, grad school admission, but nothing could overshadow the stress I felt everyday about who would invite me to have lunch with them. I wonder why it never crossed my mind to invite myself or others to lunch instead of constantly waiting around to be invited. My four years in college was soured by constantly worrying about what everyone though of me. Did they think I was smart? Did they think I was pretty ? Do they think I seem confident (ironic I know !) ? Do they approve of who I am friends with and who I am not friends with ? In grad school, suddenly things were amazing. Briefly, with my new start in a new country I felt prettier and smarter than I had ever felt in my whole life combined. But soon I succumbed to academic pressure and let myself go back into a dark place. I gave up on many things and people who were good for me and good to me, and I will forever bare the burden of wondering if I made the right decision. On graduating, a brand new city and a brand new high pressure, high paying job only set me further back. I was lonely, depressed and I got very sick. By june 2012 I was ready to rebuild my life. Meeting Dean was the best thing that happened to me. He gave me hope at a time when I had none. I was grateful for another clean slate with someone who allowed me to rewrite my destiny. While of course I did stress about if and how much he loved me, he was a good man and I must say I got very lucky. How in this great big world filled with so many, did I find him ? We dated, we got married and I got a new job, a new apartment and more friends. I got good at my job. I worked hard and I felt like I fit in. My new found confidence even gave me strength to confront someone ONCE when I found myself in a situation that made me unhappy. I do not feel like I am out of the woods yet. I feel like I have a long way to go in my journey but I am happy that I now have the confidence to talk about my lack of confidence.

While I often think I had a tough life, I do admit that these are all clearly first world problems. It disturbs me that I remember them with such clarity all these years later. I still remember the feeling and the insecurity from 3rd grade and it vividly grips my body when I think about the incident. Does this happen to everyone? Does everyone remember some events in such great detail?

I also want to say that my social anxiety has helped me greatly. I learnt at a young age to always be agreeable and to never ask for anything from anyone. I often learnt to be seen and not heard. To be non-confrontational and avoid conflict. And to always be liked, even if I was never loved, and never ever hated.