when its just been one of those days..

..you sit down and you ask yourself- if there was anything in the past that you would have done differently ? you can suddenly think of a million things that you would have done differently in a billion different ways. But when you are honest with yourself, in the end, you realise that you would have been in exactly the same state you are now, because you are essentially too selfish to have done it any other way . And Thats when you know, that you are in a rut and you certainly deserve to be there.

Wearing black and having it really mean something..

This morning, a million miles away, back in India, my favorite Grandfather passed away. When he died a piece of me died as well. The incredible doctor, the patient father, the devoted son, the generous grandfather, the most tolerant husband. None of these can even begin to describe the man who had such a role in who I am today. My friend, my guide, my inspitation, my hero, my pride, my "abba".

I know that you will be in a happier place and being the incredible generous spirit that you are, you will be born again into a family, that will love you like we did. I can only hope that I join you there in my next life. In this life or my next , I will love you forever.

the buzz

I've been meaning to talk about my first snow for ages, but life kept getting in the way.

1.14 am: I've a lite head ache and a huge deadline arnd the cornor but I've shoved it all aside for now.

Life, is so full here. Laughter, people, curiosity, new experiences, old friends, deadlines. No matter how stationary or relaxed things look, there is a constant buzz of activity. And thats what makes life and living it so special. Even when the dumbest person is silent, whether he realizes it or not, there are thousands of tiny thoughts, feelings or involuntary happenings going on in his/her mind. 'Calm' is only a hypothetical description of a feeling that a person gets when he is too dumb to notice the noise.

Grad School is an amazing place. With so many students studying in it, everyone sees it differently. Some see it as freedom to drink, freedom to experiment, my roommates think it is the perfect place to enjoy independence and watch interesting movies/play fun sports or make friends. Unfortunately, due to inexplicable reasons, I am passing through a phase in my life when I feel I need to learn. I get satisfaction when I learn something new and it gives me immense joy and thrill to put A and B together and find a C on my own. Most of you are wiser than me and have probably experienced this phase before. Its the phase when you just can't take an answer. An answer just gives you the raw material to frame a question and the questions always lead to other questions. From big things like the origin of matter or the effectiveness of religion to the smaller things like why people behave the way they do, everything is a question. Many of these questions don't have answers but you still keep asking them in the hope of learning something new. This is an ultimate phase because you make sure you learn at least 2 new things everyday and hence thousands while it lasts. This hunger to know is actually a hunger to think. A need to apply your mental abilities and enhance them by finding more fuel for them to burn on. It is a very busy time when you really don't care about what you deem as the 'mundane' things and only jump to grab the bigger things. The mind, in this phase is ultimate and where you began learning as a responsibility, it now becomes a passion. In short, you are really 'buzzing' all day long.

That day was to be just another day in my life. I slept at 3 the night before after intending to read a paper but ending up spending hours on wikipedia. The 'buzz' was definitely on. I was dozing on my couch trying to recover from almost a week of nearly sleepless nights, 3 hours later, the buzz of my phone wakes me up and as like a woman who has slept for only 3 hours would do, I answer 'hello' in the most sleepy voice I can, partly intentionally to let the caller know the intensity of the felony he had just committed . An excited voice tells me, "get out and enjoy the snow."

I am suddenly completely awake. The 'buzz' is back. My senses sprang back to life as if they had been telling me to turn them on since ages and I was keeping them shut for three cruel hours. Within seconds, I was out the room and house. As I went down the stairs, the buzz was still on. 'I wonder how snow will feel. Imagine my mother's reaction if she were here! I bet xyz doesnt know its snowing , Or maybe he must be intentionally ignoring it and acting 'unexcited'. What an idiot....'. The stream of thoughts just goes on. I reach the ground floor and as the door opens, millions of thoughts in and out. Subconsciously I walk to the door because my feet seem to still remember what I had come down for and the door opens and chill air and ice hits me, freezing my thoughts.

There was silence everywhere. Silence different from the silence you just witnessed in the iota of time that you took between the end of the last paragraph and the beginning of this line. Silence, that is also very different from the one you will witness if you go to 'your nearest Bahai temple.' This was different. It was as if the buzz had stopped. I could see white dust falling from the skies, it touched my skin and felt cold, it went in my mouth and tasted like water and it came to my sight and made me get the feeling that this was what I was actually born to do. It was an amazing feeling that you could get when you are stuck in the coimbatore, cross cut road signal traffic for hours, are totally frustrated and suddenly all the cars around you vanish and there is complete silence. Snow was nothing like I had imagined. I expected it to be like rain,distinct balls of white ice that fell to the earth. It was nothing like that. It was like cotton, so light that to use the word 'fell' would almost be as cruel as calling a person who has slept only 3 hours. When you look up, it shows you exactly how high the sky is and you can't notice more because small snow flakes cover your face as soon as you notice this detail, as if telling you that you have thought enough, you have toiled enough and that it was time to just admire beauty without questioning it. There were no deep thoughts in my head, no feeling of cold and no amazement or disappointment. I was surprised at not being surprised at it. It was nothing like i expected and yet I had a calm feeling that I was just here and that I was not to compare what I had expected and what snow really is. For the first few minutes, the snow vanished before it hit the ground as if saying how impure our 'buzz' had made the earth and how it was too divine to mix with the earth. After some minutes, it started settling on the earth as if showing me that if it covers the buzz, the world can be a much better place. I just stood there, for moments, minutes, almost an hour, thinking nothing, enjoying for once, complete solace. No 'buzz' came to my head. For the secondtime in my life, I truly witnessed silence.

How can I learn from my mistakes when all I have ever done is make mistakes ?

choosing your confessions

You know what's lame ? The "about me" s that people come up with on Orkut / MySpace / FB ! ...
Who am I talk , mine's lame too.!
Its just a stupid column to begin with. Most people, dont have the faintest idea of who they really are and those that do, well, do you really think they're going to be honest about their dirty little secrets ?... What do they expect people to say anyway ?
"I'm an online sex offender ... Run !" ... ??!!

so it happened

So, i've lived here a couple of months now. So its been a year since 2009 happened. So i gotta talk about all things I've done in teh past year I havent done before.
I finished my final year project, which I honestly beileved was quite impossible when we were at the half way mark (relieved)
I won the best out going student award (thankful)
I got my visa (paper work)
I saw my class advisor get married (happy)
I graduated (proud)
I said no to Infy, mysore and a chance to be with shar n shwe (tough)
I moved out of my parents' house (mellow)
I said good bye to my zoo (sad)
I met and said good bye to, my pal, the potential IAS officer in Delhi. Till we meet again. (proud)
I travelled to a foreign country (terrifying)
I made fresh new frnds (flow)
I got my first debit card (oh daddy)
I got my first laptop (choice)
I do my own laundry dishes cooking n cleaning (ok)
I saw the niagra falls (a moment)
I went for teh US open (P)
Six flags n rollercosters (fun)
I bought boots (rachel)
I saw my sister get engaged n married (fulfilling)
I gossip on international calls, the same thing I did on an airtel to airtel free connection. (miss car pooling with Pree)
I group email, now I'm the one who's away (touched)
I found an advisor and changed status (trying)
I went for my first formal violin concert (attraction)
I went to NYC to get interviewed (failure)
I finally saw wat snow is like (pretty)
I have a gpa (again relieved)
I learnt how to drive on the wrong side of the road, (right)
I spent my first New yrs eve away frm my old friends (detached)
I lived alone for 4 days (lonely)

the universe amazes me.
So I'm happier than I've ever been in the end of the day; year (maybe)..

J : Aww kiddo ! Bad luck. Don't be too upset. Something else will come up for the summer.
Answer : I m fine... no worries :) ...
I believe in the cosmos and everything happens for a reason n all that jazz.. !

stones..

" I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection "

some hindu she is :P

SM : (good advice)
Me: (whine whine) .... but karma'll come get me ... if i mess this up now I dont deserve to be happy later... (whine whine)
AA: Arey ! Who is this karma GUY and y is he making u do all this stuff ?

episodes..

Episode 1:
SM : oi, wen u cross the road, do u sometimes feel like just stopping in the middle and let someone run u over?
me: yes ... all the time
SM : me too .... so.. it is not abnormal... gud gud

Episode 2:
me : oi, wen u cross the road, do u sometimes feel like just stopping in the middle and let someone run u over?
V : yeah...did once...but only a guy on a cycle passed,so...
kiddin...

Episode 3:
me : oi, wen u cross the road, do u sometimes feel like just stopping in the middle and let someone run u over?
A : No sorry I dont have suicidal tendencies
Y such a question ??
Ya I would not mind a gurls car hittin me and not killin me but jus hurting me

this thanksgiving...

Participation Assignment 3:
Send in a description of somethings you are grateful for ...

Being an international student, the American festival of Thanksgiving is new to me. I discovered what it stood for and I loved the concept – Apple cider, turkey, mashed potatoes, what's not to love !!! Jokes apart, I did find out about the festival's history (about the native Americans and the Europeans) and it sounded really special. So this thanksgiving I hope to join others and cherish the feeling of love and togetherness.

I am the world’s luckiest person. . Today I am almost 8379 miles from my country and I have never felt more comfortable and close to home as I do right now. I am grateful to be alive and to be alive where I am right now. I sometimes go on walks around the campus and it just hits me- I cant believe I'm really here. After dreaming about it and working for it for 21 years. There are so many people who go through life wondering what their purpose of life is, but for me, honesty its clear, I was brought to life to travel, to live, to learn.

Here's a small list of things I'm grateful for:

• I'm grateful for Skype, GoogleTalk with video and other VoIP applications that allow me to keep I touch with home for free.
• I'm grateful to my sister for spending her hard earned money and buying me winter jackets so I don't freeze this winter.
• I'm grateful to the guy who lives near my backyard who owns the black cat which he leaves in his yard, and I'm grateful for the gap in the fencing which allows her to escape and come out to my backyard so I can play with her, and remember my cats back home.
• I'm grateful to AT&T for their free calls plan which lets me keep in touch my BFFs (Best Friends Forever) without worrying about my phone bill.
• I'm grateful to my girl friends from high school, who still gossip, curse and discuss fashion, accessories, boys, make up and parties, over group email these days. They bring out the teenager in me.
• I'm grateful for my by-weekly pay checks.
• I'm grateful for all the people who waste their valuable time and InstantMsg on GTALK with me ...
• I'm grateful for my roommate, Sruthi, who cooks for me, cleans up after me and is always there for me, and sits up all night with me for girl talk. I really have found sisters here.
• I'm grateful to the guys at 76 n a half, 13th street who postponed their Halloween party just so that I could be there and saved cake for me that day as well. I'm also grateful for their patience and for inviting me to all the fun stuff they come up with, and for always being gentlemen.
• I'm grateful to Shravya, (our fairy god mother), for getting me New Moon tickets(first day, first show no less) and baking the best cakes.
• I'm grateful to my gym and travel partner, Avi, who has taught me more about growing up than actually experiencing it.
• I'm grateful to my Database Systems project partner for feeding me omelets after four months.
• I'm grateful for my mom, for her cynical views on life and warnings about marriage which helped me keep my head and make the right decision in more situations than I can remember.
• I'm grateful for my father and all the rules he laid down on me when I lived under his roof. The values he buried in me, will never be forgotten.
• I'm grateful to the friends I made during my undergrad for their patience and for putting up with me.
• I'm grateful the admissions committee saw me fit to give me an admission.
• I'm grateful to my future Adviser. Thank god he believed in me !
• I'm grateful for Menaka Gandhi who was instrumental in passing a law in India which banned the inhuman dissection of cockroaches in Bio-labs.
• I'm grateful for my Brother-in-law, who besides being the best husband my sister could ask for, also chats with me and humors me.
• I'm grateful that my sister's wedding was so beautiful, and she was so happy that day and that I could be there to see her through it.
• I'm grateful that I will be going to New York city on December 1st for something special.
• I'm grateful that one of my oldest friends in India, is pregnant and expecting a beautiful baby this January.
• I'm grateful I didnt get rabies and die last year ! And to my grandfather who paid for it when the emergency actually happened.
• I'm grateful for Linda, Gail, Kevin and David who make work so much fun every other weekday morning.
• I'm grateful that I was NOT born in the Afghanistan during the Taliban years and hence I can wake up each morning and eat ice cream, wear perfume, watch TV and leave the house WITHOUT a man by my side if I choose to.
• I'm thankful for all the opportunities and the endless possibilities, and I hope that everyone, someday, gets to feel as lucky as I feel right now.

Bling !

sarees, bangles, bindhis, badam halwa. kheer, candles as diyas. temples. crowds, poojas, oil, photographs, visiting frinds, new clothes, wishes, indian food, indian music, fireworks show, lots n lots of ppl , felt like family, felt like home.
my first diwali was pretty darn good...

Step 1: Identify goals

Short term goals :
() Go for a Broadway Show ..
() Manage to NOT get siwne flu till my India trip is done
() Get an interview call
() Buy an RPI sweatshirt
() Go white water rafting/ bungee jumping/ para-sailing
() Find out if black friday is really as cool as it sounds...
() Watch Rajinikanth's new animated movie... (Rajini rocks !!!)
Long term goals :
() Have atleast 30 relevant results returned when my name is Googled
() Own 4 ginny pigs, a cat, 2 dogs and a dozen baby turtles.... (at the very least)
() See Venice, Istanbul, Tahiti, the Taj MAhal, Jordan, and Afghanisthan
() Save the whales..

Step 2,3,4 : Actually go out n achieve it

finance demystified...

Time :8.30 p.m
setting: bus 90 on the way back from the mall

Discussion:
Person 1: Vishnu borrowed money from Kuber to marry Lakshmi "in-style" when he got back together with her after their brief , traumatic separation...
Person 2: so they claim that in thirupathi , ppl give money so that vishnu can pay back his lones to Kuber.
Person 3: But then again, is nt all our money from vishnu anyway ?
Person 4: basically vishnu gave us money though he was already in debt !
Person 5: Hmmm .. he lent out money he didnt have ! sounds like the Lehman brothers story - lending out money they didnt have (:P)

A lot !

I cant stop talking. I cant help admiring brilliant ppl. I cant yell n throw a tantrum. I cant live alone. I cant cycle, I cant climb trees. I cant climb anything ! I cant eat alone in a public place. I cant read when I m not alone. I cant dance. I cant sing. I cant be brave. I cant be arnd ppl for too long. I cant be brave in a crowd. I cant kill a cockroach. I cant resist petting a cat. I cant be brave around children. I cant be left in the dark. I cant be surprised. I cant be cheered up. I cant spell. I cant type. I cant be mature and intellectual. I cant be strong. I cant not-worry. I cant say the right things. I cant think fast. I cant always do the right thing. I cant trust ppl easily. I cant resist chocolate. I cant be left in a confined space. I cant look down from a height. I cant speak hindi.

To hell with Darwin. If only the fittest can survive, what happens to the rest of us !

P for Purple !

AA - " If I see another person wearing purple,,,, (grr) I m going to see purple !"
Sideffect of buying all things purple the previous day !

:P

Money cant buy me love
Money cant buy me happiness

but atleast money can make sure i m wearing a "cute fall jacket" when I m sitting around unhappy n unloved !

:P

uh oh .. 10 a.m !

Why is it that I leave the house at 10 a.m for work, EVERYDAY, when I very well know that work starts at 10 a.m !
"S" and I spent almost the whole of last night on last minute homework and cramming for a midterm. .... 2 hours of sleep later...., its 9.30 am and we re both running around like "mad-hatters" trying to get to our 10 a.m appointments. Atleast she managed to get her's on time. I got "frowned at" by the Boss!
=> Such a typical Monday morning !

Frozen toes !

Yesterday, it was 1 a.m when we left SR's place, and began walking home. It was 40 degrees Farenheit outdoors !!!! ... it was so cold tht we actually stopped off a couple of blocks from home, at the union, to try n warm up a bit n brave the cold again !... last time i m gonna wear open toed shoes n face the outdoors till nxt summer ...

happy birthday Avi ! :)

2.39 am : we just got back frm avi s place , after the "surprise" party ...
it could'nt have been more perfect ! :)

its all about the perks !

I m goin to leave the US on the 27th of october for India.
i will land in india on the calender date of the 29th of october !
thanks to the time zone transition, I ll actually skip the 28th of october !

Fringe benefit : Doesnt that mean that I get to stay 21 for an extra year ?!!! ;)

Thats real steep for 10 pieces of fruit

Today while everyone else had $1.69 coffee, I opted to eat a cup of fruit (strawberries, cantaloupe, papaya, pineapple and grapes) .
The guy at the cash register says, " Thats real steep for 10 pieces of fruit !"..
I smirk (politely).
I swipe my card, grab the bill, walk away and then realise i paid $3.99 for it.

After thought : He was so right !

wat happ on the big day

Today aa and I hit the gym. Finally ! we ve been planning this since be4 we got here ! .. we had to work the impulsive cheese burst we had at 6 (an excuse to take a break from the library). we just got back from our workout and we ve a long night of assigment completion ahead of us

(p.S I m blogging which AA s being super sincere)
(p.s .... p.s celebrations)

I hope i remember to take out the trash when i get back home. we ve two weeks of smelly collected trash in the house ! .. ugh !

james T. Kirk and fatty food

Today it was gloomy, dark and wet. (A typical Edward Cullen day) :)
We went searching for "onion pakodas" to the Student Union !
Had to settle for the next best thing - onion rings and french fries ... !
:)
Our next great adventure was the 9.30 show of Star Trek. we boldly went where no man has gone be4 ! ... I'm infinitely relieved we got remotely good seats cause I was teh one who delayed everyone ! I wud ve gotten killied if it were house full . Oh by the way Captin Kirk rocks ! ;)

America Trivia : they dont have intervals during movies !

(quote)

(quote)"........... The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live when you are alive, and die only when you are dead. To love, to be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violance and vulgar disparity of the life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never forget ........." (unquote)

... I miss having her nearby ...

The superstar !

Yesterday i walked back home, in the dark at 10.30 p.m, through the quite streets in a small town in upsate New york, alone, listening to "Rajinikanth s Balleilakka" on my iPod...
Life s good !
;)

my morphine....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhN7SG-H-3k

go yiruma !

xoxoxo

my mumbling bumbling interview.... chennai 6th july

the highlight of my interview --- i dropped stuff, walked into doors, changed files TWICE, got glared at by the document check lady, mumbled incoherently in answer to the VO s questions and spent a lot of time hyperventilating ! ...

i reached the embassy at 7.45 and got out by 9.30 ... i was incredibly lucky ... there were 12 counters in all ... the first 6 were in one hall and it was connected to a hall with the other six.
i ended up in the hall with counters 1-6.
counter 1,2,3 were in operation. the other 3 were taking care of other language interviews or something of that sort.
Counter 3 had a male VO who seemed really good natured and really friendly .
i was interviewed at counter 1 by the sweetest VO... she was a young, extemely heavy set, Caucasian woman.
counter 2 was a terror. a middle aged, white woman(bright red lipstick) she asked a million questions and didnt crack a smile ever ! she was rejecting people left right and center !

i spent the entire time in building 2 , praying to all my gods, that i wouldnt end up in counter 2 !
end result : there is a god ! .... against all odds i escaped counter 2 !

stuff that i observed
* all the applicants are super friendly ... people in the queue are always really eager to chat,, it really helps ease the tension
* the indians at document check lose their patience really fast ... its best to hand over the papers they ask for really fast !
* building 2 is really cold !

VO: Good morning
me: (mumbled incohereltly) Good morning

VO: can u give me a minute ?

(VO disappears into the back room and returns munching something)

VO: sorry for the delay. oh you're heading to ---- university and u have an assistantship. arent u an overachiever (smirks !).. is there anything out there left to achieve?
Me: (shuffled uncomfortably and fake laughed)

(VO disappears again and returns in a few minutes)

VO: so u graduated this May... no backlogs
Me: yes mam this May... first class with distinction
VO: over achiever again eh!
Me: heh heh (fake laugh) ... (mumble) thank u

VO: do u have back-up funds in case the financial aid does not come through ?
Me: yes mam

VO: congratulations ! u got ur visa .... it will be couriered to u within 7 days. I m sorry for all the delays. how is the weather outside ?
Me: its a wonderful day outside.. thank u very much mam

dropped my papers ... swept it up quickly and ran out of there before she changed her mind !!!

june..

College is over . I ve graduated successfully. Its such an incredible feeling :) ... All thro' june I ve been buying books by the dozen. I ve had a wonderful month. I m now a twilight-enthusist ! :) ... I ve read the entire serires and watched the movie. A word of waring to all the GUYS out there- Pls dont try to read it ! Its one of those chick books. U ve to be a girl to enjoy it. Its one of those books written for teeny-boppers, but I enjoyed it immensely . All four of the books in the series were super but Ecclipse was my favourite ... I cant decide between Edward Cullen and jacob Black, because Taylor's so much better looking when compared to robert pattinson :)...

I also read the illegal manuscript of Midnight Sun, which was released on the internet, and I m planning to buy Lost soon (although I m pretty sure Lost wont be nearly as good). The shooting of new moon has begun and I cant wait :)

i also read Bronte's Wuthering Hights ,,, again ! ... Its my vacation tonic. I dont really feel like I ve unwound till I read it ...

Early this month I also read Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. This is not my first Tolstoy and I liked it the best. Anna was amazing, and she brought me to tears when she put herself under that train. But I guess in those times, it was a just punishment !

After getting this rather brutal dose of turn of the century Russia's morals, I tried Shobha dae. Even her best books Speedpost and Socialite Evenings leave something to be desired. Her work is average at best and painfully dull at other times. I almost wish I hadnt read it so I could ve continued to find her simply fascinating !

Shakespere lifted my spirit aftre that and I read and loved every line of the Twelfth night ...

July is going to be super busy... I m hoping to read Shantaram and a Lil bit wicked next.
I ll be back soon with my review :)