fear & my evolving worldview

The longest standing theme in my life is my anxiety. In kindergarten I didn't want to be an angel in the Christmas play until my mother convinced me that my friends were going to be angels too. In third grade I worried about picking sides in the S vs N 'gang leader' fight and worryied about what would become of me if they made up and became friends again. Would the eventual winning gang leader hold it against me once the ranks had been reordered ? In sixth grade the boy assigned to sit next to me teased me mercilessly about my appearance - he grew up to become a doctor ! In ninth grade I found out I was getting a surprise birthday party and instead of being excited & happy, I spent hours pacing in my grandmother's bedroom, worrying about my outfit until it was time for me to 'unknowingly' join the party. In 10th grade I spent most of a class trip to Goa stressing about the roommates I was assigned and having FOMO about all the fun other roommates were having in their rooms. In 12th grade I threw a huge tantrum, to the only real friend I had, about how terrible I looked in our group graduation picture - which I was looking at recently - and it really was not that bad. In college I stressed about grades, friends, grad school admission, but nothing could overshadow the stress I felt everyday about who would invite me to have lunch with them. I wonder why it never crossed my mind to invite myself or others to lunch instead of constantly waiting around to be invited. My four years in college was soured by constantly worrying about what everyone though of me. Did they think I was smart? Did they think I was pretty ? Do they think I seem confident (ironic I know !) ? Do they approve of who I am friends with and who I am not friends with ? In grad school, suddenly things were amazing. Briefly, with my new start in a new country I felt prettier and smarter than I had ever felt in my whole life combined. But soon I succumbed to academic pressure and let myself go back into a dark place. I gave up on many things and people who were good for me and good to me, and I will forever bare the burden of wondering if I made the right decision. On graduating, a brand new city and a brand new high pressure, high paying job only set me further back. I was lonely, depressed and I got very sick. By june 2012 I was ready to rebuild my life. Meeting Dean was the best thing that happened to me. He gave me hope at a time when I had none. I was grateful for another clean slate with someone who allowed me to rewrite my destiny. While of course I did stress about if and how much he loved me, he was a good man and I must say I got very lucky. How in this great big world filled with so many, did I find him ? We dated, we got married and I got a new job, a new apartment and more friends. I got good at my job. I worked hard and I felt like I fit in. My new found confidence even gave me strength to confront someone ONCE when I found myself in a situation that made me unhappy. I do not feel like I am out of the woods yet. I feel like I have a long way to go in my journey but I am happy that I now have the confidence to talk about my lack of confidence.

While I often think I had a tough life, I do admit that these are all clearly first world problems. It disturbs me that I remember them with such clarity all these years later. I still remember the feeling and the insecurity from 3rd grade and it vividly grips my body when I think about the incident. Does this happen to everyone? Does everyone remember some events in such great detail?

I also want to say that my social anxiety has helped me greatly. I learnt at a young age to always be agreeable and to never ask for anything from anyone. I often learnt to be seen and not heard. To be non-confrontational and avoid conflict. And to always be liked, even if I was never loved, and never ever hated. 

I want to remember this forever.

In our household, its tradition that Dean makes us breakfast on the weekends. This Sunday I asked for steel cut oatmeal with a sliced up banana on the side.
That morning the oatmeal was very runny, mushy and piping hot. Dean ignored the excess water and sliced up the banana into the molten content and brought it bedside for me. One of my pet peeves is that I always like the banana on the side and never pre-mixed in the oatmeal where it quickly proceeds to melt into mush. It was the last banana we had in the house so I threw a bit of a fit and dramatically refused to eat. 

Dean quietly went into the other room, remade the oatmeal so it was less watery and then fished out every single piece of sliced banana from the previous bowl and wiped it on both sides with kitchen towels so it was dry again and brought it over.

And I wonder what did I ever do to deserve someone like him ?

Did you really win the "Couples' War" ?

People say that being in love is the most exhilarating, the scariest, the most wonderful, fulfilling and the most intense feeling in the world - all at once. 

 Pop culture influenced, all of us(couples) do the exact same stuff -

• Sign up for the couple selfie - the essential social media post-processed, post-filtered, air-brushed display picture, which is upgraded every few weeks to a new version with one of the following matching expressions (duck-face/ wildly-happy-face/ fake-sad-face/ mock-cool-face), and some part of an awkward outstretched arm. This is coupled with frequently navigating to your own profile and opening up the pictures to assure yourself that you do look like the cutest couple. 

• Get creative with nicknames - calling each other "stupid fluffy honey bunny" complete with virtual emojis, brimming with pride that you have thought of the cutest, most unique nicknames

• Become twinsies - People ask you simple questions, all your answers begin with "we". "Oh what did 'I' do last weekend? Oh 'we' just had to go get some art supplies." And you really do feel isolated if you get separated at a party or are not sitting next to each other at dinner at a restaurant. 

• Bring on the PDA - Find yourself having to do boring chores? Then find that your have to park a block away from the store you intend to go to? Is this annoying ? Hell no ! Now you have the perfect excuse to hold hands, walk arm in arm, briefly hug, giggle, walk along cuddled together, a quick peck, more giggling. Nothing is plain boring anymore.

• The serious stuff - You share dreams, passions and ambitions. You challenge and stimulate each other intellectually. You work through your problems together and you know that you would call no one else if you - accidentally killed someone/ had a bad work meeting/ had enough of a whiney sibling/ found out your email inbox was locked forever/ took an unusually gigantic dump that morning.  

All couples do all the same things, act the same way, and probably feel the EXACT SAME way. 

When a relationship-newbie gushes about how special their significant other makes them feel and how happy, satisfied and lucky they feel, it sounds corny because it is literally the EXACT SAME feeling that every other person in the room has experienced/is experiencing.

To me, love feels very similar to the feeling you get at a restaurant when you see the waiter coming with your food - sheer joy ! But I find it sounds derivative and made-up when I try to talk about it !

This is what it comes down to - we all walk away thinking that we are the ONLY COUPLE who feels this way about each other, thus none the wiser, we each fulfill our own competitive survival instincts to feel like we are each healthier, stronger, happier and better-off than our peers.

The year that was - 2012

Two nights ago we were at a new years eve bash. We arrived at 11 pm to find ourselves at the back of a 50 person line, out in the cold. Luckily someone we went with got us in the VIP entrance so  we got past the newly-legal 21 year olds and the doe eyed teenagers with fake ids and the seasoned party goers, and we found ourselves in a converted warehouse-type setting. It was dimply lit and had the billboard top 100 blaring from nearby speakers. Eerily they also had men on stilts wearing gothic makeup and masquerade masks, but it was sort of classy. The venue housed nearly 2000 people i m guessing, but I'm not very good with numbers so I could be wrong. But it was definitely big enough, that it was still cold without our jackets.

Most women were in classic sparkly stilettos and sequenced dresses, and stop-traffic-red lipstick. I had clearly missed the memo that sparkly was the code for a new years eve bash but hey !

Dean and I rang in the new year together, glad that we were together despite all of the hurdles that came up these past few weeks. 

I planned to write another post with all those details later this week, for right now I am more interested in talking about how much it meant to me to spend new years eve with Dean.

Truly it was a dream come true. 

Since the time I was a little girl, capable of dreaming romantic things, I have always wanted to spend new years eve with my special someone. 

Earlier this year I mentioned it in passing and Dean took it upon himself to make sure it happened.

From wrangling us tickets, to co-ordinating it with his friends, to buying me the perfect outfit and suggesting the idea hair-do, and giving me the most breath taking compliments, my knight in shining armor never ceases to amaze me. 

Every year on new years day I write a post about the year that was and all the things that I am thankful for. 

This is my list for 2012 (in NO particular order)

• Dean. For he makes me feel more special than I deserve.
• My parents, who have accepted my decisions unconditionally
• Dean's family, who did the same.
• My friends (old and new) who have oooh-ed and aahhh-ed at all the right moments, in a way that only a true story teller like myself can appreciate. You made my eventful journey all the more exciting when I got to share it.
• My sister and brother in law who always make me feel like I'm part of their new family.
• My grandmother, for those last few passing smiles and words. Thank you for waiting for me.
• My extended family who I had the pleasure of spending time with in the most saddening situation. I'm grateful they got us through that.
• The house maid in my parents house, for she has not changed in years and seeing her after 3 and half years I found that I was strangely excited and appreciative of all that she does to keep my house hold stable and flexible.
• The office and my manager, for all the everyday pressures that make it worth my while to get out of bed every morning.
• Modern medicine, for saving my father, my sister and my nephew.
• God, for all that I have been given and all that I have been saved from.  

  

This is the story of how I met my fiancé

So, recently I decided to get out of my many year long funk by taking a "Yes Man" approach to dating.  This lead me down the road to perfect and eternal happiness. As those of you who know me well have already heard - its official - I am engaged.


At this point you're probably thinking, C'mon, you big, fake lying blogger, this is too good to be true! : Well, it is !

But who really wants to hear about all the good dates? 
It is all about the awkward, the weird, the dramatic. This is the story of how I met my fiancé. :)

I met a guy (we'll call him Dean). The details of how we met are not really important,  but it is however important that you know, that we connected for the first time over email. I was less than excited at the beginning, but I like making friends and luckily got on well with the new guy immediately.
It progressed quite naturally actually, and the emailing turned to chatting, and the chatting into texting, texting turned into calling, and the calling turned into skyping and then went on to meeting. Who doesn't love that "get to know you" stage of a relationship/friendship ?

It is also important that I also tell you that when we first connected, we were approximately 13359.52 kilometers and 11.5 hour time zones apart. But I can assure you that, this did not stand in our way.
So then eventually it moved on to a single phone call. That first phone call is always the deal breaker after all , because how hard is it really for anyone to sound really great over an email ?!?

Dean turns out to be a totally social, party animal - something that is awesome especially since he is also the type who likes to 'immerse himself completely'. But on the flip side he had me waiting about an hour, after which he finally disengages from his party and makes the call. Having spent a couple of years in the UK, this Englishman in Chicago seemed clearly confused about his linguistic orientation, that night. After the initial niceties, I cant event remember what we talked about. I think it was just a long drawn out descriptions about how our days were progressing which was repetitive really, since we had been texting all day anyway. It was awkward to say in the least, and we ended it with him promising to call back the next day. Dean tells me to this day that he believes that it was a good first conversation. This just goes to show how much a glass of wine can alter one's perception of what is happening.

We could not however get on that phone call as promised the next day, because of him being late and over packed for a flight. So I was left gloomy and unsure a wee bit longer.
Having landed in India a day later, we connected on whatsapp, and we continued texting for another 20 days or so. I think we were both too afraid to go back to the awkwardness of a phone conversation. But texting was great. During this time he travels, to Goa, Ladhak ,Delhi, Thirupathi, Chennai and god knows where else and I'm at home in California with my mom breathing down my neck.
It wasn't the best of circumstances but it was great ! He is the most compelling man I have ever met and I could not keep away. We counted the days until he would be back in the continental USA. We talked about everything, our hopes, our past, our dreams and even our separate futures.


THREE months later, we finally met in September of 2012, on a very cold, bright day outside an airport in Texas. I was returning from a vacation of sun bathing and jet skiing in the key west and he from a journey from half way across the world. I was not working that day and neither was he so our very first date was to IKEA. For those of you who are not familiar with it, IKEA is a Swedish furniture retailer, that specializes in selling affordable un-customizable furniture to the masses. Their advertising model is to make you, the consumer, walk through as many unnecessary aisles of furniture as possible.  Its safe to say that I was exhausted by the end of the day and fought hard to keep my best face on.  We were quick to find each other's "cheap and best" attitude of shopping significantly endearing. Finally squaring away the day's purchases, we went on to dinner at a Gourmet Hot Dog joint, where I was too exhausted to continue a conversation. To make matters worse, I noticed, and he brushed aside, the existence of a cockroach less than 15 feet away. I was petrified and spent the rest of the evening staring at the thing, willing it to disappear. Finally the disastrous dinner ended and we decided to go to Walmart in the middle of the night, because that is always a good idea on a first date, in the middle of the night when you are both exhausted ! Not !

We called it a night soon after and I went to bed recognizing that there was no spark.
The next day I signed into work and spent the day IMing my friends the status. 8 hours and countless lines of code later it was time for dinner. Dinner was supposed to be a solemn affair. An attempt on both our parts to make the best of the current situation. Getting off work at 8 PM CST was less than ideal and I hastened to wash, blow dry and straighten my hair in time to meet him. I emerged a whopping 2 hours later, looking my best to find him asleep. I shook him awake and I was greeted groggily with no visual sign that he recognized my two hour effort of self betterment.  Finally heading out we found that most places were either shut down or about to and we could not find a single host, willing to admit us, for a dinner for two, for our very crucial and nerve racking, second date. Finally we found a wine bistro that was open until 11 and I was grateful that my being born with wavy hair, had not significantly altered the course of the rest of my life.

Letting the inert-Gujju in all of us take over, we turned down the waiter's offer of ordering by the glass, and instead ordered by the bottle, a significant quantity of the seemingly innocent looking white wine, some fried chicken for him and half a portion of beet salad for me. I then went on to talking about my family- a long drawn out happy story that showcased me in the best possible light.
Given the meagre proportion of wine to salad, I did not fair well as the night progressed. I even tried to gather myself in the little girl's room. Unable to do so I returned to the table happy, alive and inhibition free and then things got really personal, helping us bond further. It was safe to say that dinner was a smashing success. Never have I been so brazen and so brave. Unwilling to call it a night however we went to the place across the street and continued our candid repertoire and we even got to talking about feelings . All the magic was back. The man I knew and had clearly fallen in love with over the wire was here in front of me and I was feeling attractive, spontaneous, and sought after ! But saying the L-word was of course too much. I trusted him. I wanted to tell him all my dirty dark secrets, I wanted to laugh over all my failings and share all my ambitions. I wanted to bare my soul ! There was talking, a lot of laughing, significant connecting and more than a few tears shed. To say that it was perfect would be to say too little.This continued for the next 5 days and it was just a really good time. 

On the fifth dinner date,as I said earlier I have never been more brazen and more spontaneous, I spent the day singing out loud, in front of company, and we went dancing. Our worlds began and ended with each other and I never wanted the night to end.

The next day, my last in Texas, I met him feeling, gloomy, unattractive  anxious, hopeful and chlorine smelling to finally have him say the three words I had been longing to hear for over three months. I love you. For the third time in my life I truly witnessed silence. Birds stopped chirping, buses stopped moving, cars stopped revving their engines, even the refrigerator was kind enough to stop its usual hum! And then all of a sudden the world was back and I was in it, and so was he, and I hoped we never had to leave.
I then got on my flight to San Francisco, to continue my humdrum life sans him, because life doesn't wait. A week later he flew into San Francisco. Beautiful, romantic San Francisco, and we did all things Nor-Cal, from spending a day at the beach to ending up in a gay bar with go-go dancers inches from our faces. It was fantastic. The whirlwind continued, significantly as well as literally. I turned 25 and we flew to my favorite place in the whole world- New York, New York. Escaping Sandy in the nick of time, we went back to our separate lives, waiting/ living for the weekends when we could be together. 

Finally it was Thanksgiving  five uninterrupted days of togetherness- more friends to meet, turkey to eat, shopping to finish, and movies to watch.
On the last night we had together, he took one for the long haul. There were candles, and roses, and limos and even a little snow. On Santana Row, with the world watching, and the most beautiful diamond ring he asked me to marry him.
And I said yes.


The rest is still unwritten :)

Farewell young self

Spoiler Alert : Last night, more for traditions' sake than out of eagerness/ enthusiasm, I went in for the first day first show screening of the last movie in the twilight saga- "Breaking Dawn Part 2". As expected I was bored out of my skull and entertained my self thinking about my own mundane life problems, and even solutions to coding roadblocks at work, and whispering "so lame" to my companions in not so hushed whispers. We were down to the last 20 minuts of the movie, and I couldn't wait to get out of there and go bitch about it on twitter, when Stephanie Meyer actually managed to grab a hold of and keep my attention! She had the audacity and the brilliance really, to change the sequence of the climax. The audience (including a very cynical me), was at its wits end. It started with much beloved leader of the vampire convenant, Carlisle Cullen, tastelessly be-headed at the hands of the Volturi and showed the heart wrenching deaths of the beloved Seth and Leah Clearwater. Other victims were also similarly sent screaming to the after life, with such violence and vigor that teenage girls and myself in the audience were screaming and moaning in actual physical pain with each deathly blow; cursing the producers and life in general for portraying something so unsympathetic and basically ruining their lives !

Long story short, 10 minutes later we find that it was all merely a vision and everyone is safe and sound, and we are assured that our fictional characters will remain living happily ever after as is rightfully the duty of any fairytale ending.

But oh! those moments when it was all enfolding really got my attention. When the titles began and the entire cast was named, all the way from the very first movie, I actually remembered the first time I read the book and how much it influenced me and how much thoughts of  my own Edward Cullen watching over me and listening to me, helped me get through my first few painful days as a stranger in a foreign country. And I was glad I was there. When the titles ended and I headed out I actually felt like I was saying goodbye and walking away from, a part of my gullible, pre adult days, forever. 

Pooh bear

"As soon as I saw you I knew an adventure was going to happen" 

Birthday wish list #1

Update:

*hint* *hint* ;)

1. 1001 nights in Iraq by Shant Kenderian

2. Half the sky by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn 

3. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov (the english version)

4. The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls

5. George Orwell's 1984 (yes I've never read it :O)

Total eclipse of the heart

What do you do when someone or something in your life makes you feel more fun, more inspired, more confident, more interesting, more beautiful, and more special than you have ever felt in your entire life ?
You hold on tight and hope you never have to let go.

September 11th 2012

There is nothing quite like the feeling of doing something that you know is not going to work out even before you do it, but you decide you have to do it anyway. Today is monday. The 10th of September and I'm about to have one of those life changing moments. Its like being handcuffed to the bars of a speeding train, alone, going 200 miles and hour into what can only be the end of the road. But then why get on the damn train in the first place? Because one certain, incredibly loud, unnecessarily hopeful and unreasonably optimistic part of you holds on to all that is good and all that is kind and all that is amazing that has happened in your life and tells you that you deserve a fairytale and you can have this one, should you choose to have it.
Forgive me for being cryptic but I'm having a private moment in a very public place. I find myself looking back at my life and wondering how I got here.  As a firm believer in the idea that the universe watches out for each and every one of us, and that God looks out for each of us and most importantly, that everything happens for a reason - I'm forced to resign and to step off a cliff hoping.. no, praying... that there is a lifeline at land's edge, because when the world as you know is speeding behind you and nothing but a wall of unforgiving water awaits ahead of you, you know that you have to swim harder than you have ever swam in your entire life if you want to survive, because there are no life lines when you free fall into the pacific ocean in the dead of winter with no one behind you and no one ahead of you and you are wholly responsible for your own destiny. I take this next step with pride and the confidence that no matter what I shall conduct myself with dignity and hold my head up high, like a woman who believes that she deserves good things and she is going to get them one way or another. 

Fifty Shades Twisted

It is useless to deny the effect of the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy on women all over the world. It is the fastest selling adult novel in our time and sold faster than J.K Rowling's Harry Potter, both vie e-books and physical copies, clearly showing that sex sells. I wake up one morning and my girl friends are raving about this new found guilty pleasure and I had to see for myself. The trilogy features three novels Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty shades Darker and Fifty shades Freed, by E.L. James . I was completely blind sided and found myself reading something that one does not expect to see in a mainstream NY TImes Best-selling novel. It was clearly compelling when I first began, trying to see just how far the heroine would go to please her man. The book follows the lives of 21 year old, naive and in-love Anastasia Grey and the mysterious and enigmatic Christian Grey. There is also a sub plot on the side dealing with the romantic lives of Ana's friends Kate and Ethan and Grey's siblings, Mia and Elliot. Its all very hunky dory really, that everyone manges to find everyone else and they live happily ever after. Set like a typical romance novel it starts off explaining the might, power and rare beauty of both characters (which of course the characters themselves are unaware of!), leading me to believe it was a typical case of "the peasant falling in love with the prince" fairytale. Early on we find out that the prince is more twisted than kind and that his pet peeve is forcing corporal punishment on women he is involved with and an exaggerated inability to love. The author is quick to point out that it is all consensual so we don't think him too much a monster. We find out, later on, that he is the way he is due to the trauma he faced as a neglected child of a crack whore. E.L James admits to have started off as a fan fiction writer to popular young-adult series, Twilight. Though many (including Stephanie Meyer) have relinquished any connection with the Twilight series and acknowledged that it is clearly a different style of writing, there is no denying the similarity in the characteristics of the main characters.

The writing is clumsy, the monologues of the heroine, irritating. The characteristics of the hero are just down right unbelievable. The most difficult part about the book to read, for me, were the long un-wanted conversations Ana has with her inner self (her inner goddess and her subconscious). The connections between the three books and the transitions are loose at best. The phrases are repetitive. The plots, predictable, and the adult contents mostly unnecessary, and seemingly added at a much later date just to add to the spice. Anastasia Steels comes off as whiny and shallow and Christian Grey is far from the ultimate fiction hero (Think Rhett Butler in Gone with the wind). The character of Kate is obnoxious, and Mia is an exact replica of Alice from twilight. Ana's friend Jose is not well written and appears and disappears throughout the series.

I found it hard to believe that so many women all over world are so enthralled with the series because of the way it was written, but I could relate to the idea that every woman's ultimate fantasy is to find a wayward man and make him fall in love with you and then change him to become everything you want him to be. (Wouldn't you agree ladies?). Fifty Shades is just that. Anastasia Steel is a plain Jane walking around with all the insecurities a normal woman walks around with and she meets Christian Grey who thinks of her as the most special woman he has ever laid eyes on. Simply put the character of Ana Steele is like a pair of free size gym pants that any of us can slip into and relate feel comfortable with and Christian Grey's love is what we all desire. (Sounds and awful lot like Bella and Edward in Twilight doesn't it ?).

Another point to note is the reaction that the series has received from feminists all over the world. The Indian Journalist Barkha Dutt in her famous Twitter feed proclaimed "As a feminist horrified at d cult following 'Fifty Shades of Grey' has acquired.I refuse to read it on principle". Followers of the famous journalist reacted in kind with comments about they could note believe this aberration was available in the free market. Now now ladies, I understand its certainly not vanilla and usual but you need to hold your horses. This is not a book justifying domestic abuse or anything of the like. Its simply a fantasy novel with some very adult content and intends no harm to woman anywhere. This what happens when people read summaries of books and react instead of just going and seeing what its about and coming to terms with the fact that its just another trend that will blow over.

The high point of the book would have to be at the end of Fifty Shades Freed when the books turns around and shows us the story from Christian Grey's perspective. Similar to the feeling one gets after reading Stephanie Meyer;s "Midnight Sun" (Edward's version of Twilight), it leaves the reader feeling warm and fuzzy. It is this observer's opinion that the book will certainly appeal to you any day of the year if you are a woman unlucky in love of just looking for something that will make you feel good about the possibility of love in the horizon, and certainly not for the practical minded and the faint hearted. This however seems to be the dawn of a new era where being twisted, and somewhat sinister will be considered attractive. After all that is what happened with the Vampire trend right? Fifty shades is rumored to being soon cast as a major motion picture, starring Ian Somerhalder (Damon from the Vampire Diaries) as Christian Grey. Perhaps this will be something to look forward to for all the lonely women out there.

The Good Muslim by Tahmima Anam - One woman's struggle for independence

Recently I read "The Good Muslim" by Tahmima Anam, an unforgettable story about the consequences of peace after the shadow of war.. The book outlines the minimal triumphs and the continuous struggle in the life of the much loved fictional character of Maya Haque. It is a story about love, loss, faith, politics and family conflict. The story is set in Dhaka and talks about Maya, a young doctor (mid-wife and surgeon), during and after their struggle for independence. Maya and her mother survie the war to welcome home Sohail (Maya's brother). As is typical with war vetrans from their time, he suffers trauma and manic depression from the unspeakable he did and witnessed during the war. Maya is estatic her brother returns home. Sohail, troubled by something he did during the war beings to recend into a cucoon of silence and turns to religion , specifically Islam, after some direction from his mother. The act itself is not shared until much later in the plot. The book then goes on to explain all they went through when the lost their father and were forced to move to Pakistan when they were 10, and then follows Sohail in his tumultuous journey into religions fanatism. He loses touch of reality, turns his back of family, love and education. Maya unable to handle it much longer leaves Dhaka, and becomes a village doctor for 10 years only to be influential in the life of a pregnant village girl who delivers a baby with down syndrome. The village folk take it as a curse and whip the mother as punishment and Maya is forced to, abadon her friend return to Dhaka where Sohail just lost his wife. Sohail's son is a fast favourite of Maya's and we that at the age of five,  is an illiterate street urchin, all in the name of religion. Sohail goes on to become a religious leader, leading people into a world of illiteracy and darkness. The book also goes into a description about the unsung heroes of war - the women. The one;s that are left behind and await eagerly for news about the fate of their loved ones and the ones that are left unprotected un enemy territory. Maya Haque helps these women who were abused and taken advantage of by foreign armies after the community turns their backs on them. The leads to further conflict between Maya and Sohail. Maya also meets a man, Joy, towards the middle of the novel, who shares her principles and strengthens the readers idea that all will end well for her. However, we are drawn into the climax that follow Maya into troubled waters where she finds herself after she goes out to rescue her beloved nephew. To stop myself from giving away too much about the book I shall not go into the details but its enough to say that it is heart wrenching.

What made it hard to accept were Maya's revolutionary ideals and courage, so atypical in a woman from her time and background.  Perhaps that is what qualifies to make her the heroine of a book, but one cant help wonder if this Bangladeshi writer, born into an affluent family and educated abroad, truly understand the quality of of life that people lead or still lead in a south asian country like Bangladesh.  Otherwise the book is well written, the plots- complete and the characters become dear to the reader's heart. As the winner of the Commonwealth Writers prize and shortlisted for the the Man Booker award it is an easy sell and definitely a must read for dreamers and idealists alike.  

Bill once said...

An essential characteristic of the superhero mythology is, there's the superhero, and there's the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When he wakes up in the morning, he's Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic that Superman stands alone. Superman did not become Superman, Superman was born Superman.... When Superman wakes up in the morning, he's Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red "S", that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears, the glasses, the business suit, that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? He's weak, he's unsure of himself... he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race.

Steve Jobs

I was at work when I heard that Steve Jobs died. Suddenly everyone was talking about it. Suddenly thats all everyone would talk about. I pondered what the implications of his death would mean to Apple, to the industry to mankind even; it seemed like that was the general trend that people were talking about. I added my own masala and texted my BBM group saying,
" Steve Jobs died. There will be an onslaught of Facebook status messages. Brace yourselves.".

Does that mean that I too am one of them? When I say one of "them", I don't mean that people, who do tweet/text/talk and spread the word about it, are something bad. It is just my humble opinion that they do it for different reasons. No doubt every one of us believes that the world lost a visionary and I believe that we do feel badly that someone so incredible died, leaving behind such a legacy.

That said, the reason why we mourn and talk and tweet about it is for entirely a different reason. Simply put it makes us feel human. We are social beings who feel comforted by looking at each other, for a second and recognizing for that one brief moment in time, we are thinking the same thing. It takes a big cause after all, for us to stand united, the people and the government all taking one side. So go forth, be human, talk about it, write about it, but most importantly think about it, for most of us will NEVER be as big a cause as Steve Jobs is, in our lifetimes.

Dance like no body s watching...

the only time it's worth your while to be single, is when the DJ plays "all the single ladies", on a friday night, and you sprint across the club to the dance floor and sing along (off-tune) loudly and feel like, finally, the world is yours. When the song ends, with it goes your lil' world

the burning man

Yesterday, I was supposed to be at a barbecue, at NK's house at 3pm. The said barbecue was in-celebration of his 25th birthday and was set to extend all the way till midnight. It was one of those lazy Sundays, so I was in bed all the way till 4.30 pm and I did not feel like going out. After a long self-directed-lecture, chiding myself over my anti-socialness, I dragging my sorry ass out of bed, washed my hair and struggled into my only clean-pair of jeans and flip-flops. I was finally ready to leave at 5pm. DD who was supposed to go with me, seemed to have dropped her phone in the lake, so I decided to brave it on my own since I had already washed and blow dried my hair. I then had to stop off and pick up beverages and I finally parked outside his driveway at 6.00 pm (a perfect 3 hours late). I suddenly found I was too nervous to go in. I tried to battle my "6th-grade-like" shyness for about ten minutes, gave-up, and started to take a U-turn and I was about to speed out of there, before anyone caught sight of a creepy girl sitting outside in her car, watching the party. Strangely my phone started to ring, so I answered since it was my mom. She sleepily asked me what I was doing, and I narrated it all to her, and naturally she was exasperatedly and said "oh just go in". At that very moment I caught sight of a rather large (plus sized) back-side of an unknown girl, which somehow served to encourage me to get out of my car and go in :| .... So I went in... and caught sight of two other people from work, who I didnt really know, but keenly liked, and some other interesting looking people. A majority of the people were leaving as I walked in so I managed to find a seat near the grill. It was cold and the ground was a bit mucky, but I felt safe enough... After it got too cold to sit outside, the group that was left went inside, and several of the very interesting party-guests, launched into a discussion about "the burning man". I was pretty confused but everyone else seemed to know what it was. My blackberry was across the table so I couldn't ask google for help. People mostly said things like, "I was naked at the burning man this year, being naked in the dessert is rough". Another said, "oh this year I just went top less". Another added, "just FYI, condoms dont last well in the heat "... and a whole lot of other unreal things. It was one of my most shining "FOBbie moments"... wow ! . so i just sat around , and nodded ocassionally and pretended like I was in total agreement with all their views, all the while dying to find out what I was nodding my head so enthusiastically to.

You know its over..

..when the fat lady sings...

the inside story

This afternoon ,  one of my oldest friends texted me, telling me that she broke up her engagement with the nice doctor boy she was set to marry the following year. I will not mention names or initials, as its a matter of privacy and you may or may not know them.
I find it incredibely pathetic, not to mention scary, that not one of us from my old set of girl friends from high-school, has managed to find a guy, keep a guy or get married, yet. 

FCP

Today I went out to lunch with some co-workers for 'all you can eat' sushi, at the sushi factory... i feel sick ! way too much food !
As we were about to leave to lunch, I realized I was leaving the building with 12 guys (I counted).
Something needs to be done about 'women in engineering'....

My movie crisis

Last Friday, I went over to Fremont's Big Cinema with some friends, and watched Ajith's new movie, Mankatha. I used to be a pretty big fan of Venkat Prabhu back in the day, so I went with the reasonable hope that I would be able to digest Ajith's face and enjoy the movie. After all this was my first tamil movie, in some two years. It will suffice to say that that wasn't the case.

It is a commonly known fact that people who leave India, and live abroad, always think of India in terms of the last few indian movies they enjoyed, when they were still in India. Its almost as if they are frozen in time.

I'm now one of those frozen people. Movies like Vaaranam Ayiram, Ayan and Chennai 28, will always be "new" movies in my head. And the music from those will always be my favorite, and the actors and the dialogues will always be the ones most fondly remembered.

The persian joke is on me

Last week I had lunch with two actual Persian guys (co-workers)... Very good looking/intelligent/fun ones at that..... It made me feel pretty crappy about myself for all the Persian-guy references I've included in my jokes, in the last two years ! Won't happen again :)

How did surya and sameera do it?

Two days ago I was chilling on the Golden Gate bridge with some friends, when I ran into someone from work. Granted she was just an intern and a friend at that, not to mention the fact that I was certainly not being proposed to by a stud like Surya.... but it makes you think - if you can run into someone you know in a city as huge as San Francisco, you better not be doing any hanky panky around there eh...
#VaaranamAyiram

Girl code

The other day I realized that I'm the kind of girl that other girls would be comfortable with leaving their boyfriends with.. Does that say something about my unattractiveness ? 

Freebie

This is a formal announcement to confirm that what you read on AJN and MA's Facebook walls are true.. I will be in Troy, NY, for RPI's NSBE/SHPE, from September 29th to October 2nd, 2011.
OK? ok....
October 1st, I will be in Atlantic city, NJ, for my good old friend SM's bachelorette party. I am suddenly wondering if I'm Maid of Honor, or just another Bride's maid... Will have to fight AA, tooth and nail for that position, eh ! Bring it !

I will end by predicting that not one of u fools from RPI, who are reading this, will comment on this post. Hence making my formal announcement seem pretty silly :|

the oh so funny/ scandelous things my co-workers say

on technology
PS: who needs a smart phone? what you need is a friend who has a smart phone and you're all set

on pets
JH: I want a fat English bulldog, that'll slobber all over itself and be so lazy it can't even walk. Then I'd drag it around the neighborhood in a wagon .. we'd be so happy together

on having babies
JH: what would I do with a child ? I'd probably tie it to the desk, and maybe wheel it around like I would my English bulldog ...
DH: no , that's not what you do. you should feed it and sing to it and give it lots of water...

on siblings
AN: I have two younger sisters. They only get dumber. I went to stanford, my second sister is going to the university of the pacific, my last sister is probably going to get a "C" in spanish.

Frunch

HH to me(n other ppl) : Hey, will you to Frunch with me on Friday at Macaroni Grill ?
me (automatically, with great enthusiasm) : sure!!! sounds like fun !!!

(I find out later that Frunch = "farewell lunch" ... oops!)

shhh...

*A loud "HAHAHA" from the neighboring cubicle*

Meanwhile, in our alcove:
DH (in a sinister tone) : its all fun n games until somebody gets hurt
*No one reacts*

The End ...

(yes yes that wasn't so dramatic)

+1

Today, I was generously invited to a party at DD's, tomorrow night, and she suggested I bring a +1, from our 'collection' of mutual friends, which brings to mind, one very serious self-directed expression !
"Oh no ! I'm 15 again" (this is in reference to that party 8 years ago before we left to Goa, on our breakaway trip. If you went to high school with me, you know which one !)
So after we tried(and failed) to lure MV into the party-mood, for a wednesday night, I further grudgingly decided to accept the host herself, in her pity-offering to be my +1.... as opposed to facing a party, as I now face life, as a + ZERO.
Cheers !
(thanks DD :D)

Adele part-1

I have such an incredible girl-crush on Adele. <3

After effects of seeing her in concert on Sunday.
I promised a friend I'd write a long post on the entire experience, but I'm currently getting fried at work, so that will have to wait. I'm all grown up now. I actually have priorities that come before long self-centered monologues about my "run-of-the-mill"-everyday-life! ;)...

So anyway, I'll stop now, and pick up again later..

Caesar + i

This morning I drove my bimmer to work, with loud, beating, bollywood music, through my ipod plugged into my nifty auxiliary stereo input, well above the speed limit... and I thought to myself, "this is the life,........ oh crap ! I'm a Persian-guy !!!"

woes - part 2 (survivor)

Ok that wasn't so bad. Minus the silly shoes and jeans...I had a pretty good time.

woes

Today I'm invited along to play tennis, with a bunch of athletic, well co-ordinated looking, non-desi people from the office, after work. I don't have the right shoes/ clothes on today. My hair is a greasy mess, and most importantly I have not picked up a tennis racket in 7 years.
Kill me, kill me now !

the reason why I'm never going to find a husband...

(this morning on the train to work)

indian boy: how much are you paying for your apartment
me: ...$
indian boy: !!!!
me: y? how much are u paying..? i thought u lived in north park
indian boy: yes but 4 of us are sharing a one bedroom. It works out more economical, no?
me: haha yes yes (embarrassed shrug)
indian boy: you have a room AND a bathroom to yourself ?
me: yes
indian boy: !!!

indian boy: do you bring lunch?
me: no i go out a lot. my team likes to bond over good food
indian boy: oh i dont eat out.. its 7$..8$ each time
me: haha yes yes (embarrassed shrug)
indian boy: dinner also you go out ?
me: umm ya i sometimes meet other friends
indian boy: !!!

indian boy: i won't buy a car. too expensive and i don't need one. insurance, gas, repairs, who will pay?
me: oh umm ok
indian boy: u?
me: ya i'm buying one this week
indian boy: oh !!!

indian boy: honda or toyota?
me: umm neither
indian boy :(faints)

well he didnt faint..but he might as well have !

erik's

MS (over lunch of clam chowder) : I'm on a strict sea-food diet...
HH & I: you are??
MS: Yea I see food, and I eat

LOL... Canadians

Hand

Yesterday I went to get my nails done at a salon, down the street from where I live, at 6.45pm. A 55 year old Vietnamese woman (Hahn) was the only one in the salon.
She was quick to explain that she was working late because of my appointment.
I blushed and apologized for keeping her here so late, and made a mental note to tip her generously.
We got to talking and Hanh (pronounced 'hand') started to tell me about her life as an immigrant in a foreign land, divorced and alone in a strange country, with the heavy responsibilities of a single mother of two.
A refugee from the tribe of the 'boat people', some 40 years ago, she talked about the struggles of being 'traded' in as a virgin bride, escaping Vietnam and traveling to Thailand in the dead of the night. The fears that came with landing in Thailand, the most notorious capital of pedophilia and the sex trade. Evading all of that and finally landing in the US, the land of hope, that promised equal rights to citizens and immigrants alike.
Being discriminated against and forced to bankruptcy at the first business her husband started. Being married to a drunk, and the pain of having to leave him.
Watching her grown up son throw his life away by dropping out of college, and her now promiscuous teenage daughter, who is giving up all her mother risked to bring her to this country, to join the notorious profession of aspiring models.
Then there are the everyday worries of health insurance and bills. I quote Hanh, "I have oyster when there's money at the end of the month, and on other months I eat oatmeal, every month is a struggle". "All I can do is live with the faith that I have been a good daughter to Buddha"
I wont go into explaining her story in graphic detail here, but it will suffice to say that at 8.45 pm, I hurried home, through the darkened streets, wondering why there were so many bad people in the world and if it would ever be safe.

(umm)

(busy at work)

JH to the room: (chuckles) Hey do you know why the chicken crossed the road?

room: uhh...to get to the other side

JH: the other side right? .... whats the other side ??

room: uhh..i don't know , umm hell?

JH: no dude ! death... death is the other side... I just thought of it... that chicken crossed the road to get killed...

room: wow! that's intense

JH: yeah ?

room: yeah !

(back to work)

In reply to FB status msgs about the weather...

you know, I'm much more amazed at the earths ability to sustain life for billions of years than I am mad that its been a few degrees too hot for a couple of days...

http://library.rpi.edu/

And enter my first/ last name

Second, I googled my name, and it took me to

http://www.mendeley.com/tags/network+sciences/

which is another relevant link !

I was soooo excited !!!

Added to my "daily" dictionary ...

this past week, are the following terms

Chinook sprint 2, scrum lead, sanity testing, cdet, dijit, widget, portlet, scriptlet, liferay, rally, hudson, recommendation engine, mainline build, portal-ext...

poking

I like poking people....even though it is sorta stupid...